Tuesday, January 8, 2008

January 6th... Confrontation

I have never in my life addressed a problem in my life the way others do. Normally, I just ignore them until they either go away or work themselves out. I inherited that trait from my mother, one of meekness and submission that I have never been able to break free from. I am pushed around and used by many people I once called friends. I am unable to communicate my thoughts and feelings without making myself physically sick. Tommy O'Dell was the one who made me realize the potential I had to confront my problems, and in the end, he was the one I finally tested it out on.

I had just had the worst christmas break of my life. I felt like no one cared, no one was there, and was just down on myself for weeks. I felt that life was pulling at me, forcing me to change, but I liked the old way that things were before. There is nothing as humbling or lonely as spending night after night alone without knowing why. Nothing hurts more than being ignored, being used, being left behind. To suddenly be so low on his priority list was unbearable for me, and I would stay up hours just thinking about it. I couldn't take it any longer. One night, I completely let go of the old part of my life, the expectations, my hopes, the feelings that I felt for him. I embraced my sweatpants and camo hat into my life again, and began to experience the world again. And life moved on, like it always does. Things were better, but not enough to keep the hole in my chest from re-opening.

So Tommy came over. We talked for a bit, and I was trying so hard to be happy, when inside it was hurting so bad I thought I would be sick. I couldn't understand how I could hate what he did to me so bad, and yet when we were with each other, it was completely erased and I was euphorically happy. I was left to my thoughts. Was I going to let it drag on this way? Could I really go through with this rollercoaster?

I packed up my stuff and got on the freeway headed to Logan. About 7200 South, I finally realized that I couldn't have it that way. I couldn't let him keep screwing me over without telling him how I felt. He had always told me to have my own thoughts, to take crap from no one, and to tell it how it is. I suddenly realized that I needed this confrontation. I weaved through all the lanes to take that exit and I sped to his parents house as quickly as I could. I was on the edge of craziness the entire time, I almost turned back two or three times. I think he knew it was coming all along, but it took some time for me to realize that I could go through with it. We sat in my car, and struggling to keep my voice steady, I demanded answers. He talked, and the hole in my chest got bigger. But I told him how I felt too, and I did the best I could without breaking into tears. I don't think I got out all my feelings, I don't think they can come out so soon, but maybe with time they will. It was the hardest struggle of my life to put those thoughts into words, to make him feel how I was feeling. The hole in my chest got smaller with each thing I said, and I got my answers. It might not have been the answers or ending that I wanted, but it was an ending. And with it was a brand new start.

And what of my life now? Well, I cried the entire hour and a half drive home, and then I stopped. That was all I allowed myself. No more moping around and feeling sorry for little old me. No more mourning over what could have been, but was too good to be true. I lost a really great thing that night, but not a great person. I still believe that he cares about me and wants to be there for me. It was one of the best learning experiences of my life... I learned about myself, and I learned about my capacity to care for others. I took so much from his crazy "balls out" lifestyle, and i learned a lot from his family and friends. I truly believe that if it weren't for his random texts or late night phone calls with weird conversations, I would not have made it through my first semester in college. If it weren't for his pep talks and continous support, I wouldn't have pushed myself to more than I thought was possible. It was his gentlemanly way of treating me that made me realize that I deserve the best, and his compliments that helped me walk into a room with confidence for once in my life.

I may not be HIS commodity, but as Ray states, I am a commodity nonetheless. I just have to find the right market.


Turtal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Turtal said...

Your not just a commodity your a smoken hot one;) Your awesome Cortni!!!